Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
