Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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