u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
