I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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