Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
