Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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