please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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