let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
