her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
