if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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