Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
