cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
