Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
