I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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