Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
