Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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