were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
