Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
