i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
