he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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