these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
