I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
