She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
