she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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