On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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