He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
