I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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