I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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