Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
