I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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