id be glad to
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
