I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
