**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
