WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
