you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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