I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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