Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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