My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
