my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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