I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he shaved USA in his pubs
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
