make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
