Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
