Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
