I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
