Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Found the puke drawer
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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