Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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