What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
