I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
