you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
