Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
